On this page I will share some of my personal journey, adding further stories as time goes on.
This is the story of how I met my Healer:
Journey into Freedom
There had to be more meaning to life than this bare existence. Leaving home at age 17, I had escaped one prison, only to find that the freedom I craved wasn’t so easy to find. I looked for love in the wrong places, becoming self destructive, getting involved in dysfunctional relationships, restlessly moving from place to place, but always taking my inner turmoil with me.
On the surface, I was functional, but secretly I was battling depression, anxiety, and nightmares, from which I would wake up screaming, making me afraid to go to sleep.
I guess I would have called myself an agnostic. I sensed a spiritual dimension to life, and even had a hunger for spirituality. However, I knew one thing for sure: I wanted nothing to do with christians. Having been raised in a family where harsh discipline and religion combined to create an atmosphere of fear, I had “thrown the baby out with the bath water.”
As I sought answers in reading books on psychology, self help and new age spirituality, I began a journey which took me through transcendental meditation, counselling, psychotherapy and art therapy. My self awareness increased, and I had greater insight into the root causes of my difficulties. However, my bank balance was decreasing, having poured so much money into therapy, and I wasn’t getting healed, or feeling that my life was going anywhere.
Despite my initial antagonism, there were a series of events, conversations and chance encounters that led me into seeking God for answers. So I began reading some christian books. Mostly, I found that these books were engaging my intellect, rather than reaching my heart; they didn’t help.
Finally, I picked up a book called “The Father Heart of God,” by Floyd McClung, which opened up a totally different world to me. It told of a loving Papa, who cared about me in such an intimate way, who longed to pour out his love and affection on me and give me good gifts.
This sounded way too good to be true; my head was saying this can’t be real, and yet my heart was already softening, as I learned about a God who wasn’t angry with me, who didn’t want to punish me for my failures and inadequacies, but just loved me unconditionally.
I figured I might take a look at a Bible, to see what else I could discover. The stories of Jesus were already familiar to me from childhood, and I had always enjoyed hearing about Jesus’ compassion for people and his miracles. “Great stories,” I thought. “But can it really be true that Jesus died for me, and was resurrected, and is alive today? And even if that is true, why would he be interested in me?”
Flicking through the Bible randomly one day, I started reading Psalm 51.
“A broken and a contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”
As I read these words, something happened inside me. The best way I can describe it is like a floodgate bursting open, and a river of revelation of God’s loving kindness came flooding through me.
My heart was, indeed, broken, my life was messy, I had made very little headway through my self reliance, rebelliousness and pride. Yet God did not despise me. On the contrary, he loved me with an incredible, powerful love, which was unlike anything I had experienced before.
Letting Jesus In
That was sometime in August 1996. Looking back, I guess that was the day I opened my heart to let Jesus in, but it was more of a process than an event. Over time, my trust in Jesus grew, and I slowly began to allow him to open up more of the shut doors in my heart.
That particular day, I remember giving up, admitting I had nowhere left to run, except into the arms of Jesus, and I was willing to make those first tentative steps into trusting him with my future. There were a lot of tears that day, as I surrendered to grace.
Holy Spirit Power
A few weeks later, Holy Spirit showed up, powerfully sweeping me off my feet in a dramatic encounter in the high street, that permanently changed the direction of my life. He gave me spiritual gifts, and he revealed to me, in greater measure, the powerful love of the Father. Through a supernatural vision, he filled me with a love and compassion for other people, that went far beyond the boundaries of any love that I could muster by myself.
My spirit got marked by the Holy Spirit. It was like being branded with a fire that didn’t burn me up, but made me come alive. God was calling me to relinquish my introspection and focus on using my gifts to help others.
Jesus took away the rubbish I was carrying and welcomed me into his Kingdom as a new creation.
He showed me the power of forgiveness.
He took away the depression, replacing it with joy.
He took away the anxiety, replacing it with peace.
He took away the nightmares, and gave me beautiful, prophetic dreams instead.
He healed me from broken and abusive relationships, and showed me what love is, restoring my self worth.
He gave me brothers and sisters to walk alongside me on the journey.
Now Jesus works through me to bring healing to others.
I learned there is a divine exchange and it’s all about his love.
What’s Next, Papa?
I met my Healer on the Freedom Road, and I’ve been journeying with him for a good while now. The more I encounter the width and length and height and depth of his love for me, the greater the freedom I walk in, and the more I have to give away.
To quote from Romans 8:15 in The Message:
As I enjoy the freedom of God’s Kingdom, I am “adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike ‘What’s next, Papa?’ ”